"No Longer Qualify"

Just for kicks I went back to the lapband site today; not the message boards I frequent every few days to see what's new, but the official Inamed site. I plugged in my height and new weight, a number that before now, I hadn't seen in many, many years...eight or so, if you're counting. Wonder of wonders- I no longer qualify for the band surgery at my new weight!!! I've come down 9 BMI points, several sizes on top and bottom, and I'm really only half way there- unless you're reading this Dr. J; I've accomplished your goal as of this week.

Everything has changed. The way I look at myself, the way I feel about myself...it's all intertwined.

The holidays proved to be challenging. Dinner with the SO's family (who doesn't know), where it was easier to make a visit to the bathroom after eating than to refuse some or most of the meal in front of me. I became the poster-child for the band with family and friends at home in Connecticut who hadn't seen me since before the surgery, and a MAJOR nsv- I can now cross my legs, both ways..and without yanking on my pant cuff.

It's such a simple thing and something I'm sure most women who can do it take for granted every day, but I haven't been able to cross my legs since college. Every day it seems, there is something new I feel or can do that I couldn't before.

At one of the support groups at the end of last month, there was a lot of discussion about confidence and self-esteem; something I thought I had even when I was fat. A comment a friend made about me probably two or three years ago at this point has always stuck with me. She, for point of reference, is a size 4, and stunning. She remarked that she envied my confidence, my ability to walk into a room with a certain poise, an assertiveness. I always thought that was remarkable, given her natural gifts. I always knew I was pretty, that is not the comparison; but it was clouded for so long (literally, your face loses so many of its features when it's inundated with fat) by insecurity.

I felt before that I had confidence. I was shy growing up, to the point where I would hide behind my mother's skirts, but somewhere in college and prior to that I developed this ability to become assertive; primarily through forced extrovertion in social situations- where I was most uncomfortable.

When I was fat...well, fatter than I am now (technically I am still "obese"), I walked with an assuredness, I dressed well; but what was on the inside was ugly and shameful. I sincerely felt inwardly that I didn't deserve a lot of things...good relationships, a family, a better job, etc...because I overate, because I was this fat creature. It's a strange dichotomy, this false confidence.

I feel a change in that too. I no longer feel like that ugly person. I don't carry shame with me everywhere I go; and I am deserving of so many things, not just because my body is smaller.

For regaining that feeling, I will always be indebted to Dr. J., and to this band. It is nothing short of miraculous.