Top 20

I once did a top 20 list on Salon.com. A list of 10 things I most despised about being fat, and ten things that felt more like advantages, or maybe positives. I think an example was that our hugs were softer. As I recall, I got slammed quite a bit by the skinnier folk by what they saw as putting the thinner set down when all I was trying to do was make the thicker set feel less like crap about how they saw themselves.

I spent the bulk of my morning (no, I don't have a lot to do today) reading the anecdotes on lapbandtalk.com of sad, funny, and embarrassing things that happened to others in their fatter days (the vast majority were very, very sad). The sad things that have happened to me are so sad, so shameful, that I'm not quite ready to write about them. Mostly thoughtless, cruel comments by ignorant people. I thought instead I'd post my own list of things I loathe about fatness/things I look forward to as I continue to drop (around 20 pounds now and almost 3 weeks out, thank you!). To give some perspective, I started this list sitting in my doctor's office shortly before my first appointment.

In no particular order:

1. Being able to cross my legs when I sit down.
2. Sitting down to a meal out without the distinct impression everyone is paying attention to what I'm ordering.
3. Going to the theatre/movies/sitting on a plane and not having my arms take up both armrests or having to hug myself the entire ride/show.
4. NEVER having to shop Lane Bryant again.
5. Not worrying that diabetes is just around the corner.
6. Not having to pre-scan a crowded NYC restaurant with my eyes to see how I can best squeeze my way through without drawing attention to myself, or worse, the dread of where the waiter will seat us and will I be able to fit without looking ridiculous.
7. Not going to a bar with the pre-accepted shame that there is no one in the room that will want to look at me, let alone want to meet me.
8. Not feeling like my girlfriends know there is no one that will hit on me in the bar, and thus making them feel better about going with me.
9. Not feeling pain in my feet (even in normal shoes- not the spiked heels I adore) after a couple of hours walking.
10. Going into a gym and not feeling all eyes on me.
11. Having to change in front of all the slimmer women in the locker room.
12. Having to take two towels instead of one at the gym because the smaller towels just don't go all the way around.
13. Being able to shop for fall/winter sexy boots that are above ankle height.
14. Having the smocks at Frederic Fekkai, and the doctor's office actually fit.
15. Not getting the "look" when I go into Vickie's, or any other slimmer size store.
16. Worrying that 10 more pounds and my hips are going to be too big to fit through the subway turnstyle without having to turn to the side.
17. Never sitting down on the subway unless it's near empty so that I don't squish anyone.
18. Not having to wear Spanx when I wear a skirt so that my thighs don't chafe.
19. Sex on top without feeling like an elephant.
20. Getting my Tiffany necklaces extended so they don't feel like chokers.

There are many, many more I'm sure. But this is what I came up with for now.

The last three weeks (close to) have been tough. I went into a grocery store for the first time since surgery yesterday and EVERYTHING looked good, even items I would never in a million years be interested in, or that I'm allergic to. Having to avoid real food does this to you, I've decided. In the last week I've drooled over Taco Bell commercials (I've never even eaten there) and Applebee's entrees dripping with condiments that would make me gag. Still, it all looks fresh and hot and appetizing. Three more weeks to a fill, but only one more week til solid food stage. I suspect things will improve when I can eat things I can chew on without intense nausea.

Until then, I'll just keep looking at #19